life sucks

i thought i had everything figured out..its all a mess now.

its the 30th of january i havent been trying hard enough to lose weight ive been more focused on making others happy and ive failed. i wanted to lose 5 kgs ive lost 3 kg which is good for not trying i guess.




FUN FACT: when my mum was pregnant with me she weighed 52kg, she was in her 30s. im 20 and weigh 49kg! hmmm.

xx

what do i want?

i hate it when people ask me what i want. someone who does this allll the time is Nate - the guy im seeing. he doesnt understand why i like him and wants to know what i want from him. i never knew what to say until now..

i wish i could tell him i just want to be able to see him occasionally and for him to want me. but if there is really no future whats the point?

after i broke up with my boyfriend i never wanted any guy to like me because i didnt want to become dependent on someone again and the lose them. i was meant to see the new guy tonight but decided aganist it because ive finally worked out what i want from Nate and should probably figure out if im going to continue with him or move on...

on a much lighter note my mum is going to be in hospital for 5 days and i will have no one watching me what i eat...or dont eat!

xx

stressed.

ive been losing weight without even trying! score!



im so stressed at the moment. over stupid boys. i never let this happen. AND of course my best friend let me down again. she told a guy that likes me that i "fuck boys over" which is totally untrue and he stopped talking to me for a hmm whole 20 mins haha. Everyone has me wrong. i keep things to myself. which i guess is a bad thing because then people aka my best friend make things up.


she thinks im playing my best male friend Sam, we have been friends for 6 years and he has liked me on and off but ive never liked him that way and we are best friends, we both know that, but no one else seems to get it?? oh well.


this new guy that likes me then deletes my number and starts being so mean to me..all because of this stupid lie Sophie made up. so i correct the story and he said it will be okay if i kiss him..ummm obviously sophie didnt tell him i was seeing someone else.


ive been seeing a guy since september secretly...its so difficult. no one is allowed to find out because his younger brother is a good friend of mine who i liked first.. arrrr





this sucks. i dont know what to do? continue seeing the guy im seeing now..which im not allowed to see or start seeing this new guy..





to be honest..im more worried about losing weight than worrying about more imporant things in my life.

but these minors issues in my life have caused me to lose weight, along with working heaps i barely have time to eat!

perfection

some have it all

control

im losing control of everything. i like to be in control of things. i need things to run a certain way.

i feel myself changing and not in a good way.

my friends are changing. which i said a few weeks ago i wanted new friends. but these new friends probably arent the best. they are the people you get told not to be friends with.

i have a best friend who i see nearly everyday but i havent seen her for a week partly because i went away for 5 days to get myself together. which hasnt work.

she doesnt understand my need to be skinny, when she sees someone overly skinny she points them out and say how disgusting they are, she then looks at me, i dont say anything and then she remembers thats what i want.

i need people around me all the time, if i dont i go insane. i need to know they need me as much as i need them.

i need to get back in control. starting with my weight..ive always been thin..but just not thin enough.

hmm

ohh to be thin.

soundwave 2010

can not wait for soundwave!

1. taking back sunday

2. motion city soundtrack

3. alexisonfire

4. paramore

2010

2010.
time for a change.?
new hobbies?
yoga.
golf.
new friends?
new boys?




goal for this month..lose 5kg!