December

the end of november and december have been the worst months of my year.
ive had something terrible happen to me personally. christmas i spent with my boyfriend at his mums house. i left on xmas eve and come home boxing day to find i now have one less parent. my dad left my mum. great timing.
i hope next year this better than this year.

blue valentine

i went to the premier of blue valentine tuesday night with my boyfriend.

its such a sweet movie, however quite sad.

when the couple were fighting my boyfriend kissed me on the head each time.

he also said at the end thats what im scared of, losing the love we have

hes so sweet!

gosling is so amazingly hot!

love

everytime you tell me im your one and only..my hear skips a beat.

you.

ive never been the jealous type
but since ive met you i cant help it
you bring the worst out of me

random

im bored.

words you believe in

god im obbsessed. i love tattoos. ive been asked by several people when im getting another one..maybe i should get another soon! when im bored i also think about tattoos and what i would get next. i believe they dont need to have a meaning behind them, but maybe the time of getting it, means something. just getting tattoos is silly, but hey ive done it! haha

as my boyfriend says "you need life experiences to get a tattoo" hmm not really. once your 80 you wont even remember why you got it! haha. if you want a tattoo just get one. who cares. it doesnt change who you are, it adds to who you are.

:)

i like tattoos that are words. if you get words or lyrics that suit you, it looks amazing. it would take me years to decide on a quote to get inked on me. but would definietly like something, i do see that as a life expereince, something that has happened and believe those words reflect it.

though if you get writing and its hard to read it really spoils the tattoo thats my biggest worry.

going to a christmas pagaent tonight with some friends. so childish and lame but thats what makes it fun!

i want to get away.

i really want to go away for a while.
i would love to move to a small english town and start over again.
but i would miss my parents and my pets to much. no one else would notice im gone.
i finish uni next semester and i have no idea what im going to do.
its all happening to fast

why is this difficult

why does life work this way?
we have to go to school, primary and high school, then go to uni for x amount of years to learn about something that you have to do for the rest of your life!
what a joke..
where is the time to enjoy your life? once you retire? no thanks
everyone works to get money, then you get this money and you have to spend it on living. bills, food, clothes.
and they wonder why everyone is so stressed.
i wish i could stop everything for a month or two and just enjoy my life with my friends. if i stop for one hour these days i feel like the world is going to cave in on me.
crazy.
;)

summer

summer is approaching..

grrr i hate it.

i love winter. wearing heaps of clothes and stockings! i am obbsessed with stockings

how do you know?

ive known my boyfriend since january and we have been together for six months and we have seen each other everyday for 5 months. he drives me insane, but i dont know what i would do without him.
i love him more than anyone i have in my whole life.

but how do you really know that you love someone?
is it because they are the only person you think about when you are apart?
or because when you are with them and you just look at them you cant breathe?
or when they say your name its like it has never been said before?

:)

baby

you make so maddddddddddddd

but i wanna be with your all the time.

turtles.

my boyfriend and i bought turtles...they are so cute. Einstien and Raphael.

i love jigsaw puzzles..hahaha a month away from 21 and im obsessed with puzzles..loser much?

anyway my boyfriend made me a puzzle of us with our turtles..so cute. theres a photo above, bit hard to see but yeah

xx

16.07.10

ive hardly been eating the past week and i barely feel hungry. its amazing. hope it continues as well as the kgs coming off!
im working 8.30 - 4pm on saturday so time to eat. a promising weekend so far.
xx

this year has gone so fast. to fast.
my friend died 6 months ago this weekend. rip bec.

success.

ive lost one kilo!
yay
:)

soo..

so my weight has stayed the same for the past four days. which i guess is better than gaining weight.

last night

one a side note went and saw Get Him To The Greek last night.
so funny. go see it if you havent
:)

back.

im back!
so ive been "studying for exams" and working 20 hours a week and every spare second im with my boyfriend. speaking of boyfriend. he has been using my laptop to study for his exams so i had to get rid of all my tabs so he couldnt find all the sites i visit..especially this one. he would freak if he found out about this! hes always asking me if i ate and how much i ate.
anyway
today for breakfast/lunch i had a piece of toast with avacodo and will try not to eat again till dinner.
and if i get hungry i'll just have coffee or tea.

i struggle sometimes stopping myself from eating..i need some tips to stop me from eating when i dont need to. any ideas?
x

plan for today

so its 10.30 friday morning ive already had my coffee.
im not meeting my boyfriend till 2.30 and im not going to eat before i leave! i also will say ive had lunch so therefore i wont have to eat till dinner...which i may be able to get out of as its my friends 20th birthday party this whole weekend and they wont be eating till late (beer pong tourement from 5-9 tonight) and everyone knows i dont like eating after 6 pm! :)

im just going to drink coffee and water all day.....hopefully

ive hit a flat note. my weight wont change. ive eating less and less and it still wont go down. i was sick all weekend and im still the same. im close to giving up. its all i think about. i dont know what to do anymore.

boo.

ive barely been eating these days, only have about one full meal a day. yet im not losing much weight. i dont exercise as such. but im always doing something, always moving. oh well hopefully soon i will get the results i want.

:)

yay

ive lost a 1kg..without even trying!
yay
thats all
:)

ive been single for nearly two years. ive been with guys but i never let me get close. when things get to serious i run. i dont want to get hurt. i met a guy in january and we have been hooking up since feburary and only recently we became official. though we dont refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend but we are together. crazy, i know.

i starting hooking up with him because we both that the same outlook on it. dont get attached. to easy. then he wanted us to be more than friends. which i agreed to and its been going really well. we spend so much time together. its great. however...before when we were hooking up in secret (as he had a girlfriend..bad move, i know) he told me he doesnt know how to love anymore and has the tendency to leave people because he gets bored. obviously as he left his girlfriend for me.

im scared.

im truly developing feelings for Lachy. whats the point? hes eventually going to get bored of me and leave me. i had no intentions of falling for him. i dont want to get hurt again. he knows all of this. i know he likes me. but is just liking someone enough?

arrrh i hate this.

lost

so my best friend has choosen her boyfriend over me.

ive been putting on weight. im up to 51kg. ive never weighed this much in my life!

uni starts back tomorrow and i have two assignments due this week ive almost finished one.

things aren't looking good.

however over the past two days i only ate lunch both days, been on the treadmill and worked 15 hours. i work at a restaurant, where the kitchen is downstairs. i also have uni from 10am to 9pm and i have no money to buy any food..hopefully it will get my weight done a bit.

they make it look so easy.

why do they make it look so easy to stay thin. i wish i could be thin. i start to lose weight, yet i put it back on within the next week fews.

easter weekend = chocolate.

mum gave me heaps of easter eggs, as well as my boyfriend. not happy.

sometimes i wish i was allergic to all foods.

i hate feeling empty and thinking that losing weight is the only way to fix it. but in reality i dont think it will solve anything. only create more problems.

not a good look

arrrr i hate when girls get a section of their hair shaved off..hanna beth has done it and it does not look good. arr yuck. but i forgive her because shes so skinny :)

ive been mega sick, with a kidney infection, havent been watching what i eat lately.

on a lighter note my mum said to the the other day.."its okay if you starve yourself.." i always listen to my mum, so once i get better i'll take her advice haha.

i reallllly want to lose weight but its so hard to say no to food sometimes. i dont know how to do it :(

in the end its just food. its not such a big deal, but why is it so hard to aviod?

grr

what?

my mum just said she thinks im putting on weight!!!!
i hate my life.
enough said.
:(

weekend.

thursday - soup
friday -chicken
saturday - sandwich
sunday - chicken and carrot cake
tomorrow (monday) - weighing myself

i waited from last saturday till friday for Nate to talk to me! it was so hard. i spent all yesterday with the new boy - i dont like him but i continue to see him. im seeing Nate tuesday during the day and new boy during tuesday night. what am i doing!?

empty

i went bike riding two days in a row and barely ate both days! i need to start exercising..there is a treadmill outside my bedroom and i just cant be bothered..hopefully tomorrow i can be bothered.
im working all weekend so hopefully i wont i get distracted and dont have the need to eat as much. im hoping to get to 45kg but the end of this month. i need to do it slowly because i have heaps of people in my life watching my weight and they all notice when i lose weight and make me eat.

still having friend issues..i wish i could escape and just be by myself and not answer to anyone.

xx

life sucks

i thought i had everything figured out..its all a mess now.

its the 30th of january i havent been trying hard enough to lose weight ive been more focused on making others happy and ive failed. i wanted to lose 5 kgs ive lost 3 kg which is good for not trying i guess.




FUN FACT: when my mum was pregnant with me she weighed 52kg, she was in her 30s. im 20 and weigh 49kg! hmmm.

xx

what do i want?

i hate it when people ask me what i want. someone who does this allll the time is Nate - the guy im seeing. he doesnt understand why i like him and wants to know what i want from him. i never knew what to say until now..

i wish i could tell him i just want to be able to see him occasionally and for him to want me. but if there is really no future whats the point?

after i broke up with my boyfriend i never wanted any guy to like me because i didnt want to become dependent on someone again and the lose them. i was meant to see the new guy tonight but decided aganist it because ive finally worked out what i want from Nate and should probably figure out if im going to continue with him or move on...

on a much lighter note my mum is going to be in hospital for 5 days and i will have no one watching me what i eat...or dont eat!

xx

stressed.

ive been losing weight without even trying! score!



im so stressed at the moment. over stupid boys. i never let this happen. AND of course my best friend let me down again. she told a guy that likes me that i "fuck boys over" which is totally untrue and he stopped talking to me for a hmm whole 20 mins haha. Everyone has me wrong. i keep things to myself. which i guess is a bad thing because then people aka my best friend make things up.


she thinks im playing my best male friend Sam, we have been friends for 6 years and he has liked me on and off but ive never liked him that way and we are best friends, we both know that, but no one else seems to get it?? oh well.


this new guy that likes me then deletes my number and starts being so mean to me..all because of this stupid lie Sophie made up. so i correct the story and he said it will be okay if i kiss him..ummm obviously sophie didnt tell him i was seeing someone else.


ive been seeing a guy since september secretly...its so difficult. no one is allowed to find out because his younger brother is a good friend of mine who i liked first.. arrrr





this sucks. i dont know what to do? continue seeing the guy im seeing now..which im not allowed to see or start seeing this new guy..





to be honest..im more worried about losing weight than worrying about more imporant things in my life.

but these minors issues in my life have caused me to lose weight, along with working heaps i barely have time to eat!

perfection

some have it all

control

im losing control of everything. i like to be in control of things. i need things to run a certain way.

i feel myself changing and not in a good way.

my friends are changing. which i said a few weeks ago i wanted new friends. but these new friends probably arent the best. they are the people you get told not to be friends with.

i have a best friend who i see nearly everyday but i havent seen her for a week partly because i went away for 5 days to get myself together. which hasnt work.

she doesnt understand my need to be skinny, when she sees someone overly skinny she points them out and say how disgusting they are, she then looks at me, i dont say anything and then she remembers thats what i want.

i need people around me all the time, if i dont i go insane. i need to know they need me as much as i need them.

i need to get back in control. starting with my weight..ive always been thin..but just not thin enough.

hmm

ohh to be thin.

soundwave 2010

can not wait for soundwave!

1. taking back sunday

2. motion city soundtrack

3. alexisonfire

4. paramore

2010

2010.
time for a change.?
new hobbies?
yoga.
golf.
new friends?
new boys?




goal for this month..lose 5kg!